Hey there fellas! My name is Matt Nokes and I used to play baseball for the Detroit Tigers! I used to play baseball for some other teams too, but I really remember playing for the Tigers because when I was with the Tigers I was a LEGEND. A LEGEND I tell you!
You know what, if you don’t believe me then ask yourself this question.
When was the last Tiger catcher who had at least 500 plate appearances and had a slugging percentage of at least .536?
Not nobody. Nobody I tell you. Nobody has ever slugged as high as I have! Not Alex Avila who came close in 2011 (551, .506). Not Pudge Rodriguez (2004, 575, .510) not Rob Fick (2001, 448, .476), not even Mickey Fucking Tettleton. That’s right, I’m the most significant catcher in the last quarter century. Maybe even before but that’s all history and history didn’t even matter before I smacked my gum behind those tools of ignorance.
Now you’re all a bit smarter than you were before you read this.